


and california never felt like home to me

by whythebananas



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:25:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4900228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whythebananas/pseuds/whythebananas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Tobin travels. Alex says she's not pining.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and california never felt like home to me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [red_thread](https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_thread/gifts).



> Inspired by Halsey's "Drive"
> 
> Very late birthday gift for the little sib, red_thread. The only one who can get me to write for this fandom, it seems.
> 
> Also, a big thank you to my beta, HeadCannon.

Tobin’s visits are never long enough.

Alex hates that she feels like she’s already saying goodbye as soon as she’s letting Tobin into her apartment, but as often as Tobin leaves, Tobin also comes back.

And they always have a lot of fun. Alex may be the California native, but Tobin always returns with a new place she wants to explore - a new restaurant, a new hiking spot, a new exhibit at a museum.

Still, at the end of the visit when Alex is hugging Tobin goodbye, she can’t help but wish she doesn’t smell her own shampoo on Tobin’s hair. She wants Tobin to have her own shampoo in her own bathroom (or their bathroom).

They’re in Monterey this weekend because Tobin wants to see the aquarium. It’s a little ridiculous to be driving five hours away and back when Tobin’s only here for two days, but Tobin always offers to drive (she says her jetlag will keep her awake), so Alex goes with it. Alex gets to play DJ and nap in the passenger seat, so it’s not a bad deal.

They have a great time (even if the aquarium doesn’t have an underwater tunnel - Tobin’s words).

Besides, the look on Tobin’s face when she sees the sea otters makes the trip worth it.

(And the matching stuffed otters they pick up at the gift shop that Alex insists on naming Monty and Ray.)

They facetime Kelley on the drive back. Kelley complains that they didn’t get her a stuffed otter too, but Tobin promises to get her _something cool_ from Brazil. 

“Maybe we should have invited Kelley,” Alex muses after the call. “San Francisco is only a couple of hours from Monterey.”

“Maybe,” Tobin agrees, focused on navigating the winding roads. She lets an impatient driver pass her and sneaks a glance at Alex. “I kinda like that it was just us, though.”

Alex puts her music on shuffle and reclines her seat, a smile on her face as she closes her eyes.

 

> _We'll take the long roads off until the world where no one knows. We'll pick the long songs ‘cause I believe these roads were made for us._

 

+

 

Tobin loves having a job that lets her see the world.

It doesn’t pay much; between blogging and selling her photos she barely makes enough to break even and fund her trips. But most mornings she gets to wake up in an entirely new place and think, _wow, look what God made_. 

She doesn’t get homesick often. Her siblings have all moved out and made homes in different places, and Tobin, well, she knows she has a home in Basking Ridge where her parents are, and on Perry’s couch in Brooklyn and Katie’s guest room in the new house she hasn’t visited yet, and maybe even Jeff’s college dorm in South Carolina that barely has space to lay out a sleeping bag. And one day, when she’s ready to lay down some roots, she’ll make a home somewhere. For now, it’s enough to know that she has places to go back to with people she loves.

Tobin feels fortunate enough to have found her calling in being able to travel and experience the wonder that is God’s goodness in the places she visits and the people she meets.

But sometimes, she thinks of Alex and feels a slight pang of… something.

She just wishes Alex could be there to see it all with her.

 

+

 

Alex doesn’t particularly like her job. (She doesn’t dislike it either.)

It’s not a bad job. It pays decently and she gets great benefits even if the hours can be brutal. It lets her afford a one-bedroom not too far from home when she misses her mom’s cooking, but far enough that she gets her independence.

It’s a job that she’s good at. She’s great at putting together press kits and writing press releases and sifting through a hundred emails a day. But it was also the first job she was offered right out of college, and it’s not her dream job or anything.

 

+

 

“Let’s get an apartment together,” Alex says late one night. 

Tobin readily agrees, because everything seems like a good idea when it’s 2AM and they’re down to the last of that bottle of wine - the one Alex had been saving for a special occasion, and Tobin visiting was apparently special enough (a thought that keeps Tobin up for hours long after Alex passes out, arm carelessly slung over Tobin’s waist).

Tobin says yes because it’s been years and she still doesn’t know how to say no to Alex Morgan. 

 

+

 

Alex’s arms find Tobin just as easily in the morning when the dishes are in the sink and Tobin’s small duffel bag is packed.

She presses her face into Tobin’s shoulder, different versions of goodbyes swirling in her mind before she settles on mumbling a simple “Don’t be a stranger.”

Tobin is all smiles when they let go as if it isn’t five o’clock in the morning and she isn’t about to catch an eleven hour flight to Paris, and Alex’s hands itch for her again. She reaches for the strap on Tobin’s duffel bag instead, fiddling with the buckle near the shoulder where the strap is bunched up, enjoying the way Tobin leans in for her to do it.

But Tobin’s phone buzzes, signaling that the Uber driver is here, and she really backs away this time, placing a kiss on the corner of Tobin’s mouth before she does so. And just like that, Tobin leaves as quickly as she comes, with a peace sign and an "Au revoir, yo."

 

+

 

Tobin drives them to the Santa Monica pier the next time she’s in town. It’s full of tourists, but there’s a hot dog cart that Tobin wants Alex to try - something about it being a popular chain in Vancouver, and "I’d take one of those hot dogs over their best poutine any day, I swear."

Alex thinks the hot dog was _just okay_ , but she doesn’t say anything because Tobin pays for her hot dog and holds her hand as they walk along the pier.

 

+

 

Tobin doesn't expect Alex to remember about the apartment, but she does.

A month and two countries later she opens her email to find photos of a two-bedroom in LA and a rental application attached. It's sent to her work email, because Alex knows it's the only thing Tobin remembers to check regularly.

There’s a caption at the bottom of each photo ( _Check out this closet space!_ and _You can hang your bike here if you get one_ , and _Think my bookcase would fit here?_ ), but what catches her eye is the Google maps screencap of the distance from the apartment to the beach.

 _So you can surf when you’re home._  

 

+

 

Tobin doesn't fill out the application.

 

+

 

 _It’s just logistics_ , Tobin tells herself. There’s no reason to pay rent for an apartment she’ll barely live in, even if it means she gets to come home to Alex Morgan.

 

+

 

Alex goes on a date with a guy from work. There had been some lightweight flirting going on in the break room for a while and it was only a matter of time before he asked her out.

Dave takes her to a nice sushi place in Little Tokyo and she tries not to think about the way Tobin wrinkles her nose at the thought of consuming raw fish.

She lets him kiss her at the end of the night and says yes when he asks if they can go out again sometime.

Because it’s not like she's pining, really.

But hours later when she’s scrolling through her Instagram feed in bed, she can’t help but go on Tobin’s page even if she already knows that the last photo was the one of the Hong Kong skyline posted a week ago.

(Okay, maybe she’s pining a little.)

 

+

 

The thing is, they’d already tried this living together business once.

Tobin had landed a photography internship in LA, and Alex’s roommate Kelley was studying abroad, and "Tobin’s chill, you’ll like her, I promise."

And Kelley was right, even if Tobin left dishes in the sink days at a time, even if Alex was constantly tripping over her skateboard.

Because Tobin was there, all smiles and up for just about anything, distracting Alex from the boyfriend who was completing his MBA many states away. And when that boyfriend broke her heart before Christmas and Alex couldn’t stand being home with her mother’s sympathetic glances, Tobin had shown up on her doorstep with a shrug and an “Eh, Brooklyn will still be there in a week.”

Days of driving and belting out the words to _We Are Never Getting Back Together_ (and Tobin grudgingly letting Alex take a million selfies along the way) were exactly what Alex needed. 

But Taylor’s words were left somewhere on the Pacific coast, because two days after Tobin finally left to visit Perry for the holidays the (ex)boyfriend showed up with her favorite flowers and an apology.

And Kelley had to come back eventually, and Tobin’s always had plans to see the world.

 

+

 

Tobin visits San Francisco in November and Alex drives up for it. They have a pre-Thanksgiving dinner at Kelley’s new place, and Alex and Kelley fight over the chocolate that Tobin picked up in Brussels while Tobin googles how to stuff a turkey.

Kelley’s five housemates join them for dinner, and they all get drunk off of some Jameson and too many PBRs, toasting to adulthood and California and (sort of) getting their shit together. 

They fight over who gets to share Kelley's memory foam and duvet with a ridiculous thread count, but the jetlag on top of the alcohol gets the best of Tobin and she knocks out on the pullout couch while the rest of them continue to play an intense game of Monopoly. Everyone eventually retreats to their rooms, and Kelley doesn't say anything when Alex stays behind and curls up next to Tobin. 

They say goodbye to Kelley in the morning and make the drive down together.

The drive is silent, too silent, and Alex wants to say something, anything, but Tobin's brow is furrowed in a way that tells Alex she's already miles away. She plugs the aux cord to her phone instead and lets the Haim sisters fill the space between them.

 

> _‘Cause every time I think about it, memories take me back to all of the wildest times._

 

+

 

"Hey stranger," Tobin hears when a pixelated Alex pops up on her Macbook screen.

"Hey back."

"Why can't I see you?"

"Hold on," Tobin says, disconnecting the Skype video call and trying again. This time the call doesn't even go through. She glances towards the reception desk from her seat in the hostel lobby, but decides the grumpy receptionist probably won’t be much help either.

She gives up minutes later and calls with her cell phone. 

"Sorry, the wifi really sucks here. Want me to go to a cafe?"

"It's okay," Alex says, but Tobin can hear her disappointment. "I have to get ready for work soon anyway.”

“Oh, okay. How was uh, your date?”

“It was alright. We had sushi.” Tobin wrinkles her nose at that. “We passed by this gourmet hot dog place I think you might like, though.”

“Cool. We should go next time.”

“Yeah.”

“I miss -” Tobin pauses, a lump forming in her throat. “I miss LA.”

“Didn’t know you were so attached. To LA.”

“I am.”

The moment is ruined when the alarm on Alex’s phone buzzes.

“Oh, shit, I have to get going before that douche from media relations takes my favorite parking spot again. It’s going to be a long week at work with the product launch in four days. I really just wanted to hear your voice."

"Oh, well I can read the phone book for you next time if you want," Tobin jokes. “I’ll make sure to call you from a cafe next time. Have a good day at work, Al.”

Tobin is about to hang up when Alex calls out.

“Hey Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“LA misses you too.”

 

+

 

Tobin’s gotten really good at long flights and train rides, at chatting up the nice old lady next to her or entertaining herself with surfing magazines and the occasional book. It’s the long drives that she sometimes has to make on her own that she hates.

The playlists that Alex made and put into her phone help, though.

 

> _New names and numbers that I don't know, address to places like Abbey Road. Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want. We're young enough to say oh, this has gotta be the good life._

 

+

 

Alex gets a promotion and a raise at work. She tells her mom when she calls home because she knows it’ll make her happy, and as expected, the words "baby girl" and "all grown up" are thrown around a lot the rest of their conversation. The next day she wakes up to an email from her dad who goes on about the importance of job stability and saving up for retirement, and _your mother and I are proud of you, Ali Cat._

It irks her a little, though she can’t put her finger on exactly why. Her parents are being perfectly supportive, and her company has been understaffed for a while so she’s glad that all her extra hours haven’t gone unrecognized.

Still, she catches herself lingering over a random job opening a friend posts on Facebook for a lab technician a week later even if she has no interest in anything science-y (she still has war flashbacks from AP Chemistry).

Maybe the monotony of the job is just getting to her, she rationalizes. Once she gets to work on a different client account, things should start looking up.

 

+

 

“So… Tobin’s been feeling nostalgic lately,” Kelley comments over the phone one night. Alex is impressed that Kelley had waited about fifteen minutes into their monthly catch up before bringing it up.

It being Tobin’s latest Instagram post, the third of what seems to be a series captioned _#tbt Missing home_.

The first two were of her childhood home and church, but it’s the third one that Kelley is referring to. It’s a picture of the Urban Light at the LACMA taken during one of her visits when they’d had dinner nearby and weren’t quite ready to head back to Alex’s apartment yet.

“I don’t know what Tobin’s feeling,” Alex responds, because she refuses to overanalyze a stupid Instagram post (again). 

_If LA is home to Tobin, then why does it always feel like she’s just passing through?_

“Have you tried, you know, asking her?”

“I pretty much asked her to move in with me, Kel. I’m sure Tobin knows where I stand.”

“You’re also still seeing Dave.”

“Was I supposed to just wait around?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is maybe you should have an actual conversation for once instead of dancing around each other like you keep doing.”

“Ugh, words are hard...”

“No they’re not. You’re using them fine right now. Here are some more for you: Tobin Heath, what are we? Are we friends? Lovers? Fuck buddies? Girlf-”

“I get it,” Alex cuts in, knowing that Kelley can go on and on when she’s on a roll.

“Do you even want a long distance relationship?”

“I - I don’t know.” Alex can feel a slight headache coming on and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I don’t even know if there’s a relationship to have.”

“What do you even do when you’re together?”

“I don’t know! We go places. We catch up. We call you." 

“Hey, don’t bring me into this. It’s not my fault y'all can’t figure yourselves out.”

…yeah, she’s definitely getting that headache.

“I don’t know, okay! She tells me about some awesome wave she got to ride in South Africa and I tell her about another _awesome_ meeting I had to sit in on or the _awesome_ takeout we got that one time we stayed ‘til eleven -” 

“Whoa, whoa,” Kelley jumps in, and Alex immediately feels bad for snapping. “Is this still about Tobin or work?” 

“I don’t know,” she says truthfully, but quickly retracts it. Another frustration for another time. “Tobin. We’re talking about Tobin.”

“Okay, well, don’t overthink it. I’m sure things aren’t as complicated as you think they are. Real conversations work wonders. I hear they’re even better than the ones in your head.”

Alex hums in agreement, ignoring the stubborn voice in her head that reminds her that she can at least control how the conversations in her head end.

Because Kelley has a point.

“I mean, if you can’t talk like adults,” Kelley continues, “you could just fuck it out.”

Alex takes that back.

“Kel.”

“What? I’m just saying.” 

“...”

“Holy shit, are you actually considering it?”

“What - no! What?”

Alex was, in fact, _not_ considering it.

(It hadn’t worked the first time.)

(Or the second.)

“Right.”

“I don’t even know when I’m seeing her next. She’s still in Indonesia, I think.”

Alex puts Kelley on speakerphone. This catch up has gone much longer than she anticipated and she needs to lie down. She really just wanted to hear about the new puppy that Kelley and her housemates adopted. 

“Well, find out. Then talk to her. Worst case scenario, she says you’re friends and you both move on. I’ll drive down and we can watch reruns of _Say Yes to the Dress_ and _The Bachelorette_ and get wasted in WeHo.”

 _Oh, jeez._  

“Or, she professes her undying love for you and you both fight to have me be the maid of honor at your wedding because neither of you would’ve even met or gotten your shit together without me." 

“I’m hanging up.”

“You think I’m joking, but I’m not. Seriously, Al, it’s not as scary as it sounds, I promise. You’re going to be fine either way, okay?”

“Okay.”

 _Okay._   

 

+

 

Tobin loves the picture of the Urban Light.

She opens her app in two days to find that it already has 537 likes, with comments ranging from smiley emojis to _hey, you’re from LA too?_ and _west coast, best coast!_ She scrolls through all of them with a smile - it always feels great when people connect with her pictures in some way.

There’s a comment that makes her pause, one from no other than _kelleyohara: Missing the place or the girl in the picture? ;)_

Of course, Kelley would be the one to notice and point out the silhouette near the edge of the picture.

Alex had been bugging her to stop trying to find the perfect angle, and had attempted to jump into every one of her shots to get her to give up and put the stupid camera down. She hadn’t succeeded entirely - Tobin did get some great uninterrupted shots.

But this is a _Missing home_ photo, not a _Missing LA_ photo, and Tobin thinks LA wouldn’t be all that great anyway if Alex weren’t in it.

 

+

 

Tobin doesn’t visit for a while, and Alex keeps her conversation with Kelley in the back of her head. Her work’s been extra draining lately and between putting in extra hours and avoiding Dave in the break room (who she broke things off with because things just weren’t going to anywhere until she figures her shit out with Tobin), Alex is just too tired to think of the state of her love life.

 

+

 

Tobin gets her work featured in a gallery in Brooklyn, but Kelley can’t get the time off so Alex flies over for the opening by herself.

She spots Tobin right away, more dressed up than she’s ever seen her in a button up and a blazer, but she’s deep in conversation with an important-looking lady so Alex busies herself roaming around the gallery and taking advantage of the complimentary wine and cheese and the fact that she doesn’t have to drive herself home tonight. 

The photographs are breathtaking, of course, and Alex’s chest swells with pride when she sees a good turnout on a Wednesday evening. But it also feels a little bittersweet; looking around, Alex can’t help but feel that she is surrounded by everything that’s kept Tobin away.

She’s staring at a photograph of the Philippine rice terraces when she feels a presence next to her.

“My sister’s pretty talented, isn’t she?” The dark-haired woman smiles when Alex turns to her. “I’m Perry.”

“Oh, hey,” Alex says, extending her hand. “I’ve seen you in Tobin’s pictures. I’m Alex.”

Perry grins, pulling her in for a hug instead. Great hugs are a Heath trait, apparently.

“I know. I’ve seen you in pictures, too. You take better selfies than my sister.”

“Oh gosh,” Alex says with a laugh, “those are horrible pictures.”

“Well, not everyone can take pretentious artsy photos and charge hundreds for them.”

“I heard that,” a voice interrupts, and Tobin is there, pulling Alex into a hug. 

“Hey stranger,” Alex greets, feeling a bit shy all of a sudden.

“Hey back. You look great.”

Alex shrugs as if she didn’t try on four other outfits before settling on the dress she’s currently wearing, and they both grin at each other like idiots for a good few seconds.

“You too. Who woulda thought you cleaned up nice?”

Tobin opens her mouth to respond, but someone calls out "Ms. Heath! _"_ and they all turn to the source.

“I’d go and check if it’s me they want, but I’m pretty sure you’re the Ms. Heath everyone’s looking for tonight,” Perry teases, and Tobin rolls her eyes good-naturedly.

Tobin’s name is called again and she turns to Alex apologetically, but Alex waves her away. They’ll have time to talk later. Tonight is Tobin’s night.

“Go mingle. I’ll be here.”

 

+

 

“You’re good for her,” Perry comments another wine refill and many cheese bites later. “I don’t know how you do it, but you keep her… grounded, somehow." 

“I don’t think Tobin likes to feel grounded.” Alex replies, finishing the last of her wine. 

“You can be grounded and not be caged” is what Perry says to that. Alex shrugs because she doesn’t really feel like she’s done anything. 

“When do you fly back to LA?”

“Sunday. Figure I’d make the most of this New York trip. Luckily my company has a branch out here, so I can work out of their office and not have to take too many days off.”

“We’re driving home Friday afternoon with Katie for my dad’s retirement party, if you want to join us. Even Jeff is flying in.”

The suggestion catches Alex off guard - Tobin had only mentioned the gallery over the phone.

“Oh, I don’t want to intrude on a family thing.”

“You won’t be. It’s also going to be Tobin’s welcome home party, so some of her high school friends will be there.” 

“Welcome home?” Alex asks, now really confused. Perry looks over her shoulder, and Alex follows her gaze to see Tobin walking towards them.

“Why don’t I let you two talk,” she suggests. “It was really great meeting you, Alex.”

Alex barely notices when Perry leaves, because Tobin is in front of her again, and -

“Why are you having a welcome home party?”

“Oh, uh, that’s sort of why I’m having this showcase,” Tobin responds, looking a bit uncomfortable. She tries to run a hand through her hair, but stops when she realizes it’s in a ponytail. “I figured it was time to come home. Lay down some roots. Can’t be a nomad forever, right?”

 _Home._  

Alex feels a slight pang in her gut. 

“How long have you been back?" 

“A few weeks.” Tobin looks down guiltily for a moment. “I was going to call, but -”

“It’s okay,” Alex interrupts. She’s not sure if she wants to hear why Tobin hasn’t called that she’s back. Why she hasn’t mentioned that she was thinking about coming back for good.

Whatever it is Tobin feels like she has to do, she’s made it clear that this (whatever this is) is not a priority.

“Al-”

“I should go. I’m still pretty tired from the flight, and I have an early day tomorrow. Tell Perry it was really nice to meet her, okay?”

“Al-” Tobin tries again, but Alex shakes her head. Someone else calls Tobin’s name and Alex uses that distraction to slip away. 

 

+

 

Alex gets a text message from an unknown number on Friday. 

_You sure you don’t want to join us? This is Perry._

_I’m sure_ , Alex starts to text, but deletes it. She types out a few other variations of the same response, but ends up with _Tell your dad congratulations for me._

 

+  

 

 _You’re a dumbass_ , Kelley texts Tobin. 

 

+

 

In hindsight, fleeing the gallery was probably a tad overdramatic. But what’s done is done, and it’s not like Tobin’s texted. 

Alex almost switches to an earlier flight, but Kelley threatens to kick her ass if she doesn’t enjoy New York for the both of them (and get her a cool magnet or something).

(“Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, Al!”)

Alex spends the rest of her trip working and sightseeing. She’s staying with Sydney, an old coworker who had transferred to New York a few months ago. Sydney takes her to all the touristy sites and they argue about whether or not Shake Shack is better than In-N-Out.

(It’s not.)

Alex tells Sydney about Tobin, and it’s nice to talk to talk to someone other than Kelley about her. Sydney talks about her husband Dom, who’s in Missouri for a business trip.

“Yeah it sucks that he’s gone a lot, but you make it work. I know he’s coming home to me. Missouri ain’t got me and he knows it. The way I see it, your girl -”

“Not my girl.”

“- your girl’s been gone so long and now she’s gotta figure herself out. So let her do her. But you gotta do you, too.”

 

+

 

It’s nice, being somewhere different. Alex can’t remember the last time she took a real vacation and vows to do it more.

When Sunday rolls around, Alex finds that she’s dreading going back to LA. It’s the first time in a long time that she hasn’t felt… stuck.

It’s not the first time she’s considered a change of pace. And visiting Kelley in San Francisco, seeing Sydney in New York, and hell, even seeing Tobin finally settle down or whatever she’s doing, Alex realizes that maybe a change in scenery can be that change.

Alex’s phone buzzes when she’s at the airport, but she’s busy going through security so she lets the call go to voicemail. When she’s finally seated at her gate, she pulls out her phone to find two missed calls and a voice message from Tobin. She briefly considers waiting to get back to LA before listening to it, but she’s got some time to kill so she clicks on it and presses the phone against her ear.

_Hey Al, it’s me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was back. I’ve been really busy with the gallery - and I know it’s no excuse, but I’ve been trying to figure some stuff out. There’s a lot I want to say to you and - I just really don’t want you to leave on a bad note. Anyway, have a safe flight. I uh, I’ll talk to you soon hopefully.  
_

Alex bristles at the message. She knows Tobin means well. Tobin’s nothing if not genuine. But it also doesn’t tell her anything other than the fact that Tobin knows she messed up.

Kelley's voice nags in her head and she's reminded that Tobin isn't the only one who's been failing at this whole communication thing. So she swallows her pride and types a quick response.

_Don’t worry about it. Hope you had a good weekend with family._

Her fingers hover over the send button uncertainly, and she stares at her screen for a few seconds wondering if her reply comes off a little passive aggressive. She adds a smiley face emoji at the end of it, but it makes it seem like everything is okay, and _ugh_ she’s overthinking this again.

It’s not like she doesn’t mean what she’s saying, but God knows they really need to start saying what they really mean.

She hears the lady at the counter begin to call up families traveling with children and stands up, dragging her carry on trolley to the back of the line that had been slowly forming the last fifteen minutes. She pokes her head out to check that the line isn’t moving yet and calls Tobin.

“Hey Al.” Tobin picks up on the third ring.

“Hey. I got your message. You said you wanted to talk?”

“Right, yeah, "Tobin says. “I just wanted to explain some things.”

Tobin pauses, as if to check with Alex that it’s okay before continuing.

“I uh, I've been praying about the decision to move back for a while, and I even called my old youth pastor a few times about it. I just wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. Then Perry -"

“Tobin,” Alex cuts in, her voice soft. “I didn’t - I don’t want you to give up what you love for me. But I also can’t put my life on hold every time you come back. This hasn’t been healthy.”

“I know, I know. I really am sorry, Al.”

“I’m sorry too,” Alex says, because they both had a part in getting them here. “Look, if you weren’t sure about us -” 

“I was,” Tobin cuts in. “I mean, I am. Which is why I came here first - Perry knew someone who worked at the gallery, and I figured I could sell some of my work to have a nest egg because I wasn’t about to just show up at your door and ask you to let me crash on your couch until I could afford actually living together.”

“Oh,” Alex says, because it hasn’t occurred to her that Tobin’s been putting as much thought to this as she has. She pauses, racking her brain for something to say, but all she comes up with is -

“You wouldn’t have had to crash on the couch.”

“You know what I mean. I was trying to be an adult about it.”

“The adult thing would’ve been to talk about it. Something we’ve both pretty much been crap at.”

“Better late than never, right?” 

“I…” Alex trails off as the weight of the conversation hits her. It’s everything that Alex has been waiting to hear, but she hesitates because all of a sudden it feels like there are too many decisions to make. “I - hold on.”

She feels a tap on her shoulder and turns to see an impatient man motion to the moving line in front of her. She nods apologetically and moves aside for him and the people behind him to get ahead.

“Sorry, I kinda have to go,” she says, looking at the disappearing line anxiously, “My flight’s boarding and I just - there’s some stuff I need to figure out too on my end, and -”

And It feels like one of them has to go every time they seem to be getting anywhere.

Maybe she should have waited to call at a better time.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Tobin reassures her, sensing her moment of panic. “We don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I’ll be around when you land. Or if you need space to figure stuff out, that’s cool too.”

“Okay,” Alex says, relieved. “I’ll text you.”

“Sounds good. Have a safe flight.”

 

+

 

Alex’s feels much better by the time she boards her plane (thankfully on time). She ends up having to stow her carry on at an overhead compartment rows away from her assigned seat, and the impatient man from earlier, of course, ends up being her seat mate. He grumbles when he and his wife have to stand up to let her into her window seat.

Alex doesn’t let it hamper her mood. There’s a lot she needs to figure out, about her job and with Tobin, but she’s cautiously optimistic. 

She’s about to switch her phone to airplane mode when a text comes in. 

 _Thanks for coming to the opening, btw. It really means a lot to me. Monty misses Ray already._  

Alex smiles as she types out her response. 

_Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it. ~~Ray misses Monty too.~~_

_Mean what you say, say what you mean_ , she tells herself.

 _I miss you too._  

Cautiously optimistic. 

 

+

 

Sydney suggests that Alex follow her lead and request a transfer to New York and Alex is tempted, so very tempted. But she’s waiting to hear back from some places she’s applied to, so she tells herself to wait.

She does take Tobin’s offer on the space, though. They’ve been pretty good about calling each other regularly, but just as Tobin wanted to make sure she was coming back for her own reasons, Alex wants to make sure that she’s doing the same.

Tobin doesn’t push, thankfully.

But Alex would be lying if she said she doesn’t miss Tobin a little (a lot). 

 

+

 

 _This slowburn is killing me_ , Kelley texts a few weeks later. Alex rolls her eyes, wondering if Kelley’s had one too many Nicholas Sparks movies in her Netflix queue lately. She calls Kelley because the three grey dots keep popping up and disappearing like Kelley is about to quote some grand speech from a movie and Alex has no patience for long blocks of texts. They’re overdue for a catch up anyway. 

Kelley picks up right away, continuing her train of thought without skipping a beat.

“Seriously, you finally talked and you’re still on opposite sides of the country.”

“Hey Kel.”

“Hey. Granted, it’s much better than having an ocean between you, but damn. What exactly are you waiting for?”

“I’m kind of in the middle of moving.”

“Yeah, to Portland of all places. You couldn’t have picked the Bay? San Francisco’s pretty fucking awesome, I must say, and not just because it has me in it.”

“Can’t afford it. Unless you’re planning on being my sugar mama.”

“Oh please, you can’t handle me, Morgan. Portland sounds like it’ll suit Tobin though.”

Alex hesitates. Kelley is going to give her so much shi - 

“Seriously? Alexandra Patricia Morgan, what the fuck?”

“I know, I know! I just didn’t - what am I supposed to say? _Gee, Tobin, I know you’ve been saving up to come live in LA with me, but I’m actually relocating to Portland._ ”

“Uh, yeah. That’s exactly what you should say.”

“What if she doesn’t even like Portland?”

“I mean, I don’t think she loves LA all that much either.”

“Wow, that makes me feel so much better,” Alex says drily.

“Look, Tobin’s a big girl.”

“I know, I know. I just - there’s been so much work to wrap up since giving my two weeks, and I finally told my parents a couple of days ago so they’ve been finding every excuse to drop by my apartment like I’m moving halfway around the world, and on top of that, I still haven’t even found a place to live yet -”

“Whoa, whoa, one thing at a time Al. I know moving can be stressful, but just take a breath and make a list of everything you need to do. You’ll feel much better every time you cross something off, trust.”

Alex grunts in response. She’s making a mental list and already it’s making her want to hurl. She reaches for her planner and starts jotting down a few of her more time-sensitive tasks.

_1\. Find an apartment_

_2\. Schedule movers_

_3\. Pick up boxes from dad_

“And Al?”

“Yeah?”

“Make sure telling Tobin is somewhere near the top of that list.”

 _Right._  

_1\. Tell Tobin_

_2. ~~1.~~ Find an apartment_  

_3. ~~2.~~ Schedule movers_

_4. ~~3.~~ Pick up boxes from dad_

 

+ 

 

Family time has been good for Tobin.

Between spending time at her parents’ house and her sisters' apartments, she’s gotten a lot of that lately. But being back for a longer time has made her realize how much of their lives she’s missed.

 _It’s what happens when you’re gone most of the year_ , she thinks. Her parents are older. Katie is married and Perry is engaged. Even her baby brother Jeff is almost done with college and has been dating the same girl for two years. She thinks of Alex and how lucky she is to have never received a wedding invitation with the words Alexandra or Patricia or Morgan in it.

Still, Alex isn’t going to wait around forever. She shouldn’t have to.

Tobin picks up another photography gig for an engagement party the next day. 

 

+

 

 _I accepted a job offer in Portland_ , Alex says in an email (because she’s chicken shit). _I know Portland isn’t what you signed up for, but I think this change will be good for me. I really hope this can be good for us, too._

 

+

 

Tobin’s never been to Portland.

So when she tells her sisters about Alex’s email, Katie tells her to sleep on it. But two sleeps later, Tobin realizes that there really isn’t anything to sleep on because she’s already made her decision months ago. 

Halfway into movie night with Perry and Katie, Tobin grabs her Macbook and boots it up.

When Perry leans over and catches her browsing flights online later, Tobin ignores her outstretched hand and the twenty-dollar bill that Katie slaps on it. 

 

+

 

Alex goes out with her coworkers for drinks on her last week at work. They’re a good bunch, and Alex feels a little bad that she hadn’t made much of an effort to get to know some of them more.

She’s a little distracted, though. She hasn’t heard back from Tobin since her email. Granted it’s only been a couple of days, but not hearing back is making her antsy.

Her coworkers call her out after the fifth time she checks her phone and someone declares that they do the Phone Stack game.

“Boyfriend?” Her coworker Allie asks after she reluctantly places her phone face down at the center of the table next to the others.

Alex shakes her head and smiles apologetically, determined to be more present the rest of the night.

Her phone dings with an email notification twenty minutes later and she has to sit on her hands because Amy from HR is in the middle of a story about her two-year-old’s latest antics.

“I have to call my fiancé,” Allie interrupts, reaching for her phone and rolling her eyes at the combination of cheers and boos from the rest of the table at her forfeit. “Yeah, yeah, next round’s on me. Alex, wanna help me carry the drinks?”

There’s a knowing smile on Allie’s face before she disappears into the crowd and Alex stands up, making sure to grab her phone and slip it into her back pocket before following. 

She spots Allie easily, but Allie waves her away, making a texting motion with her fingers. Alex smiles gratefully and steps to a secluded hallway, pulling out her phone.

Alex is glad for the privacy because her heart all but bursts out of her chest when the email subject reads:

_If the offer about the apartment still stands..._

And when Alex clicks into it, she finds a list of Craigslist ads for two-bedrooms in East Portland. 

 

+

 

“So was it what you were waiting for, or did I just throw away fifty bucks for that round of drinks?”

It’s later that night and Alex is outside waiting for her Uber driver when Allie finds her.

“Thanks, for earlier,” Alex responds instead. She knows the grin that’s been plastered on her face the rest of the night is enough to answer Allie’s question.

“So, not a boyfriend, huh?”

“Nope.”

“Girlfriend?”

Alex’s heart skips a beat as she turns over the word in her head.

“No,” she says, and the smile doesn’t leave her face. “But ask me again in a few weeks.”

 

+

 

Tobin shows up on Alex’s door as she’s finished packing her box of kitchen stuff.

Alex is used to this sight - a grinning Tobin dressed in shorts and a tank top, small duffel bag hanging casually on her shoulder as if she’d just come back from the gym and not the airport - but she’s also used to more than a minute notice through text ( _hey, I’m downstairs, can u buzz me in?_ ).

 _Hey stranger_ is at the tip of her tongue (because old habits die hard), but what comes out instead is “What are you doing here?”

She winces at the unintentional bite in her tone. It’s late and she’s been on the phone with the moving company all day.

But Tobin is here. In her apartment.

Alex is going to kill Kelley for not giving her a heads up. And Tobin. 

But mostly Kelley, because _Tobin is here_.

It’s only then that Alex notices the other two duffel bags by Tobin’s feet.

“I hear the drive to Portland is a long one. Figure you could use a travel buddy.”

 

+

 

Tobin offers to drive again, but this time Alex turns her down.

Tobin fidgets in the passenger seat - with her seatbelt, with the ring on her middle finger, with her sunglasses. Alex can’t help but find it endearing as she watches through the corner of her eye.

“Why don’t you put on some music?” She suggests, motioning to her phone mounted on the dashboard. “I don’t need the GPS for a while.”

“Okay,” Tobin says, but when she grabs the aux cord, it’s her own phone that she plugs it into.

“I uh, I made a playlist a while back, actually. Is that cool?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Tobin seems more relaxed as music begins to play through the speakers. They sing along to a few familiar songs on the 5, and after a bathroom break at a rest stop, Tobin reclines her seat.

Alex can’t tell if Tobin’s decided to take a nap because she’s wearing sunglasses, but when she reaches over to take her hand later, Tobin turns her hand and interlaces their fingers.

 

> _I miss you, I’m going back home to the West Coast._  

 

+

 

Tobin crashes on the couch the first night at their new apartment.

She has yet to get a bed, and Alex offers to share hers because really, when was the last time Tobin slept on her couch?

But apparently, Tobin’s suddenly interested in going about things the old-fashioned way.

Alex thinks it’s ridiculous.

They catch a movie the next day, and Tobin takes her to Salt & Straw afterwards and buys her an ice cream cone. Tobin wears a PDX hat that she thinks makes her look more like a local and Alex doesn’t have the heart to point out that she’s also wearing an old New Jersey Nets t-shirt.

And when they get home, Tobin walks her to her room like she’s walking her to her door after a date. Alex kisses her then.

Tobin smiles into the kiss, her hands finding Alex’s waist and grabbing onto the fabric of her shirt. They kiss slowly because for the first time, there’s no need to rush.

When they separate, Tobin steps back and Alex almost screams in frustration as she retreats into her room.

But hours later when Alex comes out of her room to get a glass of water and finds Tobin snoring lightly on the couch, she thinks about how cute Tobin looked with her face all flushed after their kiss. And how happy Tobin looked all day with her stupid snapback and her stupid grin, and how Alex’s face probably mirrored hers the entire time.

So yeah, Alex thinks it’s ridiculous.

But she also thinks it’s kinda cute. 

 

+

 

They take their time unpacking.

It’s nice, having Tobin around and not having to count down to the day she has to leave town.

Tobin still leaves dishes in the sink and forgets about them, and even if she’s long sold her skateboard, Alex finds herself constantly tripping on her tripod or her sneakers.

Alex doesn’t mind too much, because once everything’s unpacked (and Tobin finally gets around to buying a bed), the apartment starts to feel like home.

 

+

 

Tobin’s new shampoo smells of honey and oat. Alex loves it.

 

+

 

Kelley sneaks in a U-Haul joke every time they Facetime her together.

 

+

 

Tobin buys a secondhand 2005 Camry a week into Portland. She drives for Uber and Lyft between picking up gigs for weddings and other events.

Alex loves her new marketing job.

 

+

 

Alex gets a little homesick sometimes, and it worries her a little that if she’s missing home, Tobin might be missing being out there.

So when Tobin comes home late after taking a late Uber shift, Alex is there to intercept her at the door. 

“Let’s go driving,” she suggests, shifting her weight from one foot to the other nervously, hands tucked into her back pockets.

“I’ve been driving for hours, Al,” Tobin says, but she’s already pulling her hoodie back on and looking for the left sneaker she just kicked under the couch.

The drive to the Pacific coast is a little longer than they’re used to, and the Oregon coast isn’t quite the same as the California coast, but there’s a nice breeze and the view feels somewhat familiar.

They’re sitting on the hood of the car listening to the waves below when Alex finds the courage to ask the question that’s been gnawing at her. 

“Do you miss traveling?" 

“Sometimes,” Tobin responds, leaning back against the windshield with her arm as a pillow. “There was a time when I thought I could never give it up.”

“How did you?”

Sensing that this was going to be a serious conversation, Tobin sits back up. She looks at Alex as if mulling over the correct answer, and Alex hugs her knees a little tighter.

“It took a lot of thought,” Tobin finally says. “Then I realized I was overthinking it. It was simple, really. I was happy when I was out there, but I was happier whenever I was back in California with you.”

“But we’re not in California anymore,” Alex argues. 

Tobin shrugs at that.

“Yeah, well, it’s not California that’s home.”

“Yeah?” Alex asks, and she looks so hopeful but also still too serious for Tobin’s liking, so Tobin shifts closer to her and nudges her playfully until her face breaks into a wide smile. 

“Stop it, you dork.”

“Yeah? You gonna stop worrying now? I hear it gives you wrinkles, and I can’t have people thinking you’re the older one in this relationship.”

“Shut up. You’re like a year -”

Tobin kisses her, and they both shut up.

 

+

 

“So we’re in a relationship, huh?”

“Well, this caterer hit on me at a wedding last weekend and I told her I had a girlfriend, so.”

“I don’t know if I remember agreeing to be your girlfriend.”

“Well I’ll be sure to call her and let her know I was mistaken.”

“Excuse me? Why do you have her number?”

“I don’t! I’m just saying -”

“You’re just saying you have a girlfriend.”

“I… yeah.”

 

+

 

“You know, I never got to visit Portland before,” Tobin says later when they’re finally in the comfort of Alex’s car with the heater cranked up. They’d stayed out as long as they could until they got too tired (Tobin) and too cold (Alex). 

Alex switches lanes to get to the freeway, waiting for Tobin to continue her thought. 

“Tobs?”

“Huh?” Tobin turning to look at her with bleary eyes. “Oh. I’m just saying, there’s lots to see here, lots to explore. If you’re up for it.”

Alex hums in agreement.

“We can go anywhere you want,” Tobin continues, stubbornly suppressing a yawn. “I just need to nap for five minutes maybe, and I’ll be good to go.”

Alex shakes her head, smiling to herself as she glances back and forth between Tobin and the road ahead.

“Maybe tomorrow, okay? I’m a little tired.”

“Okay,” Tobin says, yawning and curling up in her seat. Two seconds later, Alex hears a light snore and smiles to herself.

They can wait until tomorrow because they have tomorrow. And the days after that.

Alex drives them home. 

 

 _the end_  

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics in block quotes:
> 
> Title: Halsey - Drive  
> 1\. Woodale - Keep Driving  
> 2\. HAIM - If I Could Change Your Mind  
> 3\. OneRepublic - Good Life  
> 4\. Coconut Records - West Coast
> 
>  
> 
> Outtakes:
> 
> They make a list of places to explore in Portland.
> 
> They take turns driving.
> 
> +
> 
> Tobin still hates taking selfies.
> 
> She'll smile for them when Alex insists on taking them though.
> 
> +
> 
> Tobin posts one of those selfies taken at the Rose Garden on her Instagram.
> 
> Home sweet home :)
> 
> kelleyohara: so it was the girl in the picture ;)
> 
> +
> 
> They're on a drive to Multnomah Falls a year later when Tobin tells Alex to fetch her sunglasses from the glove box. Alex opens the glove box, only to whip her head back towards Tobin suspiciously. Tobin is staring straight at the road ahead, sunglasses perched on her nose. Something hits Alex’s foot and she bends down to look for what had fallen out.
> 
> It’s a velvet box.
> 
> +
> 
> (Alex makes Tobin pull to the side of the road and do it properly.)
> 
> +
> 
> Alex makes Kelley her maid of honor.
> 
> (Only because Perry demands to be Tobin’s.)
> 
> Both maids of honor get drunk at the reception and spend the night convincing everyone that Talex (Kelley's idea) would not have happened without them.
> 
> +
> 
> #TalexWedding gets over a thousand likes on Tobin’s Instagram.
> 
> the end (for real this time)


End file.
